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Surrendering the Need for Significance

Updated: Feb 12, 2020


sig·nif·i·cance (siɡˈnifikəns)


noun

1. the quality of being worthy of attention; importance.

*excerpt from the book-in-progress, In Pursuit of Surrender*

“Being worthy of attention.” I live constantly in a seemingly dichotomous state. I long to be worthy of attention and simultaneously I long to not be the center of attention. How does that work? Especially considering the gifting and calling God has placed in and on my life. In public settings I try to avoid the spotlight like the plague. In fact, when someone singles me out and all eyes fall on me, I get nervous, a little anxious even. I start wringing my hands and I shrink with a bashful smile and averted eyes. But, I long to be in a relationship that acknowledges and affirms that I’m worthy of attention. Not the attention of everyone.  That’s not my desire. Just the attention of one. For me, the major difference between the two different responses to attention is intimacy. I tend to be guarded amongst the masses, but deep in my little introverted heart I desire intimacy: to know and be known.

Don’t get me wrong, I have various levels of intimacy with my family and among my friends, but  find myself longing for a different kind of relationship now. A different kind of intimacy. No, I’m not talking about physical intimacy. I’m still talking about the intimacy of knowing and being known. It’s a pure desire, but it becomes problematic when the desire for that intimacy, that significance, is what drives my actions.

In previous seasons I had completely given in to satisfying that desire. The problem was, I was willing to do just about anything to get and keep that intimacy. The deeper issue was that this desire was rooted in my insecurity. It was driven by low self-esteem. And I let that desire drive me to the wrong person and the wrong relationship at the wrong time. (Clearly, I was just ALL types of wrong. LOL) So, I compromised a lot to get what I thought I wanted and the truth is, once I had it I was still miserable… because I had traded so much to get it and it was so unstable. I felt like the rug could be pulled from under my feet at any moment. There was no guarantee, no commitment. And in my mind, because he wouldn’t commit, it could all be gone in an instant. (Sidebar: You see how I made it all about what I wasn’t getting from him? It wasn’t intentional, but I was ignorant to my own deficiencies in that season and I placed unrealistic expectations on him. That was called immaturity. Thank God for growth and understanding. I’ve already apologized to him in private; but it warrants a public mention too. I’m sorry).

Today, I’m grateful that God has reminded me of that season and how far He’s brought me. Today I love myself more than I ever have before, but I’m also still learning to love myself as God does, unconditionally. Today I’m grateful that this struggle with my desire for significance is just that… a struggle, because a few seasons ago it wasn’t. I had given in and still didn’t have what I needed which meant I was still in agony. Today I’m grateful that God has changed my perspective and allowed me to see what He is yet teaching me in my singlehood. He’s teaching me to agape myself. So that I’ll know agape when I see it in action. So that I’ll see it when He sends it. But, also, so that I don’t confuse it with any other form of love… or lust… or infatuation for that matter.

I was so over this singlehood just days ago, hours ago, moments ago. I felt like it had served its purpose and I had learned all I needed to learn from it. Thru it. I was tired of being alone and ready to move on to the next season. But, it seems God has at least one more lesson to complete in my singlehood. For that I’m grateful. Grateful that God won’t allow my former (speaking life) insecurities to interfere with His destiny in my life. You see, before, I pursued love, relationship, acceptance and significance from another because if “he” affirmed my significance I was off the hook. If “he” affirmed that I was worthy of attention, love, affection, that I was important, then I didn’t have to find myself worthy. Because that was one of the hardest hurdles: admitting that I am worthy. Thankfully, that wasn’t God’s design. He wants me to understand exactly who He designed me to be. He needs me to understand my own design before He launches me into destiny. I can’t rely on someone else’s opinion, affirmation, understanding or “revelation” of who I am because people, though well-meaning, can lead you into some detrimental circumstances if you don’t already know who you are.

So, today, though I feel the pull of the need for significance, I have perspective. And today I surrender that need to God. Today I find my significance in God. I find it in what His Word says about me. Today I surrender my need to be found worthy of attention… To be found worthy; because, He already says I’m worthy. His blood says I’m worthy. His scars say that I’m worthy. And more than 1,985 years before I was born, He found me worthy of His attention on the cross. And then He settled the matter when He said, “It is finished.” With those three words He spoke generations into the future and though for some time something was lost in translation for me, today “It is finished” translates to “Self-doubt is finished. Self-hate is finished. Low self-esteem is finished. Ignorance of self is finished. Caring way too much about human opinion is finished. And this need for significance is finished.” Today I find my worth in Him and this time, I choose to believe Him.

IT IS FINISHED

In Pursuit of Surrender

THE Writer’s Pen, Angel

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